Christmas Countdown Day 2!

Another day closer to Christmas, another LW gift!

This one is pretty self-explanatory.



OMG TOMORROW IS CHRISTMAS EVE AREN'T YOU EXCITED???

Official LW Countdown to Christmas Begins!

It's the 4 Days of Christmas here at Lost Watermelon! Each day, I'll be giving you, my loyal reader, a gift of unimaginable love and joy, with absolutely zero retail value. No, we don't all get an Oprah car. But! Maybe we'll learn something about ourselves and the true meaning of Christ's birthday (hint: it's materialism).

I know, I know. The spirit of giving has bitten the shit out of us here at LW, and you get to enjoy the side effects!

Ready to unwrap your first gift?

Oh my gosh! Holy cow! It's Betty White, being her frickin' hysterical, awesome self on Craig Ferguson. Okay, this first one may be more for me. But still!

Enjoy!

Run For The Border! No, The Other Way!

And don't let Lou Dobbs stop you!

Why?

Because the gayest thing since Ricky Martin has happened to our friends south of the border! Mexico City has legalized gay marriage! And gay adoption, too!

Woot!

This comes on the heels of gay marriage being legalized in Washington D.C., and makes Mexico City the second major Latin American city to legalize gay marriage (Buenos Aires being the other).

It's kind of awesome that the capitals of the two largest countries in North America (by population) have now legalized it, within a very short time period to boot (As you may know, gay marriage has been legal in Canada since 2005. And so far, they're still a sorta-country.)

Oh, come on, I kid because I love.

Also, it's kind of nice that in a time when all the news coming out of Mexico seems to be related to the massive, unending drug war crippling the nation, there's something for the whole country to be truly proud about.

So Long, Brittany

Well this is random and terrible.

Brittany Murphy died yesterday morning, at the age of 32. It looks like cardiac arrest possibly related to flu symptoms and diabetes.

Brittany never quite broke out like it seemed she was going to back in 2002, 2003, with the success of 8 Mile and Sin City, but she did amass a pretty solid collection of performances, even if some of the films were pretty meager.

I'll remember her best from her breakout role in Clueless, as well as her hilarious turn in Drop Dead Gorgeous as the frustrated beauty pageant contestant living in the shadow of her beloved, closeted gay brother. One of my favorite lines ever from a movie is hers from that film:

"Well you know what dad? Peter's gay.

GAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!"

Anyway, this is an awful and uneasy note to end a year of perhaps unprecedented celebrity death. Sad, sad, and more sad.

Well, Guys, Civilization Was Fun While It Lasted

If you haven't heard about it, there's a documentary in theaters right now called Collapse. It's about the end of civilization. Not the bombastic theme-park-ride end of the world, like you see in movies like 2012 and Deep Impact. The real end of civilization, not caused by God or meteors or aliens or drowned polar bear corpses. The one caused by oil and greed.

I saw this film two nights ago, and holy crapola.

Basically, depending on what you want to believe, it's either 80 minutes with an extremely eloquent nutjob, or it's the scariest movie ever made. And, probably the only movie ever made that matters.

The entire movie is an interview with one man: Michael Ruppert. Michael Ruppert is a profoundly intelligent lecturer/writer/conspiracy theorist/psychic/prophet/batshit insane dude, depending on what you think of what he says. He's been called all of it. In reality, he's an ex-cop with CIA ties who has devoted his time to explaining to the world where we're all headed. He apparently predicted the current economic recession with surprising accuracy back in 2004 or so (take from that what you will.) And, his message for the future is simple: we're fucked.

We're fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked and fucked some more.

His thesis is based on the fact everything in our global civilization is based on:

A) Oil

and

B) Infinite growth (in economies, business models and population)

With an extremely finite supply of oil in the world, infinite growth can't be sustained. There's really no way around that. And it is preciously finite. Saudi Arabia is squatting on 25% of the world's known oil reserves, but suddenly it's looking into offshore drilling, which is hugely expensive. Why? Probably because it's running out.

"Well, what about electric cars?" you might ask. Surely we could get off oil that way. Ruppert points out that a single car tire takes 7 gallons of oil to make. The entire car engine and infrastructure is made with oil or parts derived from oil. And those parts are transported to their place of manufacture by means that use oil. Plastics are made from oil. Toothpaste is made from processes using oil. Everything, it seems, come from oil.

And, even electricity itself is built around oil. Transmitting that electricity are wires and copper transformers that are made with oil, and need replacing.

Even the most viable energy sources, Ruppert says, solar and wind, have their dependencies on oil: the components of solar arrays and wind towers are built using oil, and then they have to be transported and assembled.

With food, pesticides are made with oil. Crops have been genetically modified to be dependent on these pesticides. So we're kinda fucked there, too, it would seem.

Once all the oil is gone, and it will be someday, what happens then? That's the question Ruppert poses. How do we make shit, let along get from here to there, let alone keep a light-bulb on?

And with money, since all paper money is basically pretend money, how much of it we have isn't going to matter. Part of the problem, he says, is that we've created money where there isn't any real-world value. With interest rates and complex stock derivatives, value that doesn't exist is being added to the economy. He says at one point during the collapse last year, if all derivative-based investments were to have cashed out, we'd have needed $700 trillion dollars to pay everyone. That much money doesn't exist.

It's like, if you add up all the goods and energy in the entire world and there's $5 of value to everything tangible, and you lend that five bucks to someone but put an interest rate on it, suddenly they have to pay you back $5.25. That $0.25 of value that has no corresponding, tangible thing attached to it. It's just imaginary, and that's what the entire world economy is based on and runs on. Which is kind of gross, if you think about it too long.

He compares the entire global economy into one giant Ponzi scheme. He says it's based on infinite growth and the hope that everyone doesn't cash out at the same time, just like a Ponzi scheme. If you think about it, there's really no such thing as an "end goal" for a corporation. They don't have a "maximum" size or "maximum" profit they can make. They only think in terms of continual growth.

And I've come to believe that nothing about the concept of an economy, or a corporate entity, has anything to do with the survival of our species. It's built outside of that. They're these Frankensteinian creations made by misguided people that seem to be out of man's control now. And, they have no interest in the well-being of our species, they simply want to grow. And grow. And grow.

If a corporation could figure out a way to make $1 billion dollars a second and have zero employees, it would. If it could do that without humans on the planet, it would do that too. It's not concerned with anything other than growth.

What's particularly sobering is, Ruppert doesn't offer any real solutions to his idea of the impending collapse of civilization. He basically says there's nothing we can do to stop what's already happening, and the best we can do is prepare for the "transition" between the money-based paradigm our species exists in now (be it capitalism, socialism, communism, anything we've come up with so far) and whatever new type of civilization and paradigm for existence that emerges from the ashes of this one. And by prepare, he doesn't mean panic and run to the grocery store and buy canned food in bulk, he means learning how to grow our own food, investing in things that actually have barter value, like gold, and find communities to work with and support us.

Again, since the film is just Ruppert speaking, you can take what he says with as many grains of salt as you want. There aren't opposing viewpoints presented, which is an arguable flaw. And, near the end, there are moments where he seems to spin off in obtuse directions and he's hard to follow. His marbles may arguably not all be there, but then again, someone as mired in the imminent downfall of civilization as him is probably going to have a few screws loose.

Ultimately, what I took from the film is, even if the specifics of what Ruppert thinks will happen don't, something will. A paradigm of infinite growth is impossible to sustain in any facet of nature, but particularly when it's based on a resource that's quickly vanishing. The world will run out of oil, sooner rather than later, and some kind of hell will probably break loose. That's kind of an unavoidable truth. And Ruppert says we're well on our way to that point.

Guess Who's Coming to Prison?

Shh! Don't tell Lynne Torgerson this, but America is dating 215 terrorists and, after years of having terrible bondage sex beneath the old water tower outside of town, America's finally bringing her (mostly Muslim, sorry Lynne) boyfriends home to meet mom!

SHHHHH! SHHH!

Sure, in this analogy, Katharine Hepburn is the American Prison System, but still! These bad boys are coming to our house! Lock up the liquor cabinet! Because Muslims don't drink alcohol.

And, interestingly enough, at least 75 of them are headed for an empty prison in Thomson, Illinois, which is quite near my hometown. Eeek!

I remember one time, growing up, a prisoner escaped from the prison in Dixon and headed down the Rock River and we were all told by the local news to go inside and lock our doors. And they caught him a couple hours later in someone's back yard. And that's my small town Illinois prison story. You're very welcome.

Now, in all seriousness, I can understand the initial apprehension of having so many allegedly and definitely violent terror folk so close to home. On the surface, it's an unsettling proposition. But, for all the rah-rah America stuff we like to spout about being #1 at this and #1 at that, then theoretically no one should be able to do a better job imprisoning terrorists than us, on our turf.

And, well, the people in Thomson are all like, whatevs, bring 'em here! Our little economy needs some help, yo!

I imagine every precaution conceivable will be made to ensure these guys stay locked up and preventing them from Tim Robbins-ing their way out of captivity and having a Huckleberry Finn adventure down the Mississippi. And, hopefully, by being on our home turf, the prison officials won't let shit get out of control like it did at Abu Ghraib or won't be able to enact quasi-legal torture practices like what happened at Guantanamo.

But what about this town of Thomson? Why was it chosen, out of all the Nowheresvilles in this country? Here are some quick facts about the little city that got the short straw:

- It's located at 41°57′37″N 90°6′11″W (I know, right?)
- There are 559 people living in Thomson. Of those, 0.89% are Asian.
- There are 5 Asians living in Thomson.
- The village has a president, and he goes by Duke because he is awesome.
- The Thompson Twins are of no relation, because they have a P in their name. But "Hold Me Now" is still great fucking song.
- 14.5% of the population is old and alone.
- It's in Carroll County.
- The Sunrise Restaurant has a kick-ass scramble, or something.

And that's literally all there is to know about Thomson. I'm sure I've been there at some point, for elementary school basketball games and such, but I don't recall off the top of my head.

Michele Bachmann Out-Michele Bachmanned

Though Lost Watermelon's comprehensive and heavily funded study on the sanity of female politicians from snowy states proved inconclusive, perhaps it's time to reopen that discussion.

Above is Lynne Torgerson. Now Lynne is an American. First and foremost. Her hobbies include extreme blouse-buttoning, reading, having amazing hair and advocating Christian jihad on the entire Muslim religion. She doesn't consider Islam a religion and wants it gone from our nation! No Muslims In My Back Yard, she says! NMIMBY 4-Eva!

Seriously, this woman looks like she teaches gym at the Skinemax version of Hogwarts.

Anyway, this sexy Harry Potter faculty lady is vying for a Minnesotan house seat currently held by Keith Ellison, the first Muslim-American elected to Congress, and the entirety of her platform seems to be based on the idea it's a horrible idea to have a Muslim in Congress.

She would know, because she's an expert on them folk. Just look at her delicious little Web site!

Now, with all due respect, America, and its people, should be lauded for its goal of promoting to public office and other high ranks, people of color, women, minorities, etc. However, quite frankly, in our zeal, we simply went too far with Keith Ellison. Keith Ellison simply is not a proper person to have in our federal government. I think it is interesting that Keith Ellison, in the past year or so, introduced a bill entitled "Global Peace." "Global." I think that word is telling. Globalization of Islam. It is also my understanding that when people of the Muslim faith use the word peace, that "peace" to them means the elimination of Christians and Jews.

Wow! You learn something new every day, huh? "Global Peace" means "Kill Everything Twice." But Lynne, Lynneburger, Lynney-Lynne My Christian Sistafriend, surely there are Muslims who aren't violent crazies hellbent on our destruction, right?

People say that we can't include the moderate, peace loving Muslims. Well, I agree. But, who are they? They need to stand up and identify themselves loudly and clearly say that they oppose Jihad and terrorism, etc. Who are these people? I cannot tell. It is not for me to go and try and find them. Rather, it is their duty to stand up and identify themselves, if there are any.

Circle gets the square! If only peaceful Muslims didn't like sitting down so much, we wouldn't have a problem!

What else do I know of Islam?

OMG PLEASE TELL US.

I had an Egyptian friend. She referred to 911 as a "catastrophe." With all due respect, this is denying reality and attempting to shirk all responsibility. 911 was not a "catastrophe." It was an act of war against the United States. It was an attack against the United States of America and its values and its land and its people. It was an act of terrorism. It was a murderous act of terrorism. All of its actors were Muslim. A catastrophe is something not man made or man directed, or an accident, such as a flood or a plane accidentally falling out of the sky and crashing.

Lynne Torgenson knows semantics. Words have different meanings, don'tcha know. Egypt just got PWNED!

Anything else to add, Lynne?

Marriage was actually created by God

THAT clears up a lot of confusion. Thanks, Lynne! I hear He also created riding lawnmowers and the wrap dress.

For the record, I also oppose cloning and the selling of cloned beef

Um, sure. That too.

Lynne Torgerson everybody!